And Then I Got Cancer

I haven't written much lately, I know. I've mostly been in pain or tired. This round of chemo has taken much more of a toll on me, and the things I used take for granted before have become major points of consternation. Some time around my last post I asked Brent to bring a ball to kick around at the park. It was a really windy day, which I didn't realize till I got outside, and we had a hard time getting that ball back and forth to each other even in a small area. I felt good that day, though. I felt like I was getting exercise and staying strong and so forth. It was one of those perfect fall cancer days. I can't quite remember when the shift happened. The teams of doctors round on me every morning when I'm still half asleep. Mostly they talk about my fevers and the status of my various infections and how well or if my cells counts are improving. But at some point the Nephrologists got pulled into the mix. I felt awful and weak all the time. Sometimes I had to a

Figure 1. The last time I wore a suit My Sister said she wasn’t updating her blog because there was nothing funny to write about, so I offered to fill in for her. I am not nearly as good a writer so please forgive me, I just thought it would be worth giving her many fans an update. Imagine that your body is expanding like a balloon and the hurt is coming from so many different places at once there is no non-hurt to compare it to - hurt is the state of the world, without boundaries. Imagine that nausea has been going on for so long there is no longer a concept of non-nausea. Imagine a grey sea of pinging bells, poking needles, concerned whispering visitors, cautiously optimistic news every day until cautious optimism is indistinguishable from the relentless pain and nausea.   Not every single moment is like this of course - just most of the moments.   Sarah’s white blood cell count is coming back up again after hovering at 0 for a couple weeks, when she’s up to